Save Me From Myself

There are games we play with each other to excuse ourselves from growing. We find the perfect failing in another that marries up with something broken inside ourselves. Then we team up to affirm each other’s broken parts by carrying on in a wounded dance.

It’s the choreography of co-dependence. We need each other to justify our errors.

It doesn’t just happen in romantic partnerships. We learn these dynamics amidst our earliest family life and these foundational patterns can inform the way we interact with anybody: partners, children, friends, colleagues, teachers, clients and even strangers.

There are hundreds of different patterns.

I’ll pretend that what you’re doing is totally fine if you pretend the same for me. Actually, I’ll even make you feel good about your compromised behaviour if you also reciprocate and make me feel right about being wrong.

I’ll lap up your people pleasing so long as you cater to me being the victim.

I’ll take out my anger and resentment on you so long as you need to cling to your story of being hard done by.

Let’s affirm each other’s addictions. If you keep drinking, I’ll feel relaxed about smoking and overeating.

So long as you keep treating me badly, I’ll be able to excuse myself from pursuing my dreams.

If I remain sick then you can be preoccupied by looking after me and conveniently ignore your fear of establishing your independence.

To the degree that we don’t want to face our wounds, we’ll seek out others who accept them. Not in a good accepting way that encourages us to grow out of them, but in all sorts of ways that invite us to directly engage the problems. The relationship helps us fabricate a false sense of security where we can feel good about the behaviour and rationalise it away.

I’ll give you too much of my time so long as you remain disempowered to make me feel useful.

I’ll periodically threaten to leave you, so long as you respond with clinginess to affirm our love.

I’ll pay you well as an employee, so long as you never question my integrity.

I won’t strike out on my own and leave you, if you promise to hang on my every word.

People pleasing can be a slippery slope that leads into securing co-dependent agreements.

The people pleaser will desperately need someone they can tend to in order to feel good about themselves. Keeping others happy is infinitely more important than seeking to make themselves happy. In fact, they’ll welcome the distraction with open arms because they are deeply disturbed by the idea of putting themselves first. They’ll convince themselves that it’s quite the virtue to prioritise others, no matter how consuming it becomes. They’ll often ensure the happiness of others no matter the personal cost.

They’ll make the perfect broken match with a drama queen who doesn’t want to deal with their problems and wants to be indulged or babied instead. The drama provides fuel for ‘love’ and affirms that having regular storms of trouble is wonderful glue to knit the relationship together. They’ll be sure to intensify any small problem in order to have the best chance of maintaining undivided attention.

The people pleaser might also team up with an abuser. The idea of saving someone holds great appeal. The sense of worthlessness in the people pleaser will be regularly affirmed by the abuser who is excused from addressing their hatred and cruelty.

If the people pleaser had no one to please, they’d have to feel the great gaping hole of failure to please themselves.

If the drama queen had no one to rush to the rescue, they’d have to face the terror of solving things on their own, or experiencing their lack of self-love.

If the abuser had no one to crush, the devastation of their own battered history would have space to surface.

The Brave Way Out

The undoing of the dependence bind requires a willingness to expose weaknesses instead of covering for them. It’s nice when this can be a team effort and both parties are onboard for change, but it doesn’t usually go that way. It often requires an independent initiative and the other involved parties will most likely be unhappy about it.

I’m going to start speaking the truth, no matter how uncomfortable it is for you.

I’m going to hang up when you lapse into another rant.

I’ll stop bailing you out financially and start ignoring your pleas of helplessness.

I’ll just leave you to it when you give me the silent treatment.

People might change their behaviour in response to our new actions or they might not. But it’s not about how they respond. The point of changing is most importantly to affirm a new reality for ourselves, irrespective of what others do about it. Some will come around and we’ll have better relationships for it. Others will get very upset. So long as we don’t take the bait and fall back in line, those people will have to find another target for their issues.

In a healthy relationship we see the other person’s failings and help them towards resolution. Those people have real appreciation for what it takes to recognise an issue and to bring it forward for examination. Real friendships are built when we take these risks to invite people to grow. Traversing the territory together can nurture extraordinary bonds. Let’s aim to strike up allegiances that bravely enable our awesomeness.