Tell Me What I'm Doing Wrong

I had a dance instructor who refused to say what was incorrect about my steps. He would only tell me the right ways to move. I found it nearly impossible to learn this way. When the wrong thing is perfectly clear, it makes it so much easier for me to understand what is correct. He wanted to maintain a positive orientation and focus only on what was good. He felt this was teaching with kindness.

My feeling is that it can be a great act of kindness to clearly describe to someone exactly what they are doing wrong. In all sorts of situations. And especially so with things far more important than dance steps.

I had a friend who would allude to a problem by speaking of the solution. He would avoid the issue at hand and thereby made the discussion murky because of his failure to be direct. Then it wasn’t clear if we were in a normal conversation or if he was trying to get at something he didn’t like but wouldn’t name.

Naming a problem is an important first step in moving towards change. But it can be tricky to recognise all the ways we compromise ourselves because sometimes we get a bit lost in our own problems. Having someone else identify a personal issue for us can be a great gift. It’s often so much easier for others to see the truth of us so it can be very useful to hear their perspective.

Our unconscious drives seem natural to us. Even if they take us in the wrong direction and bring bad results. Although our automated responses can sabotage our true happiness, they feel right because they’re so familiar and well practiced. But they’re usually carved out in early family life when we were adapting to what was going on around us and we adopted behaviours that aligned with whatever was required to survive and be accepted. Our responses can easily remain skewed in adulthood according to the specific nature of our upbringing. They don’t change automatically just because we’re all grown up and in different circumstances. These default settings often require a conscious reset if we are to change and grow.

The objective perspective from an onlooker can be very insightful. Their autopilot is constructed from a different program so they can more readily see the errors that we are blind to.

Let’s grow in our willingness to welcome the feedback that helps expose our blind spots. Can we begin to trust that people are actually being loving when they dare to upset us by naming our faults? As friends, can we grow our capacity to risk some hurt feelings in the short term for the bigger long term gain? Lets help each other to grow and change by pointing out the glaring issues. Maybe it’s a bit uncomfortable being called out on something but usually not nearly as uncomfortable as perpetuating the same old problems relentlessly.

If you constantly get stuck in recounting stories of the past, I’ll bring it to your attention.

If I notice you being dismissive of a friend, I’m going to let you know.

If you're always moaning about your partner, I’ll raise that with you.

If you persist with a job that’s sucking the life out of you, I’m going to ask you why.

If you’re blasé about being late for lunch I’ll tell you how I feel.

If you have a habit of interrupting, I’ll address it with you.

If you mention something that could be a problem I’ll dive in with you to explore it rather than seek to make you feel better by saying it’s fine.

If you recount your version of the story and it’s obvious how you’ve done the other person wrong, I’ll let you know.

If your words don’t match your actions I’ll share that with you.

If you do wrong by me I’ll speak to you about it. Maybe I’ll call or leave a message or maybe I’ll wait until we see each other again but I won’t ignore it and carry on as if nothing happened.

Imagine if we all had such a healthy appetite for growth and improvement that we came to genuinely celebrate the friends who would bring our errors to our attention. It really is such a beautiful act of love to gently enter into these conversations with each other. It doesn’t feel good when criticism comes from mean people but it can be very different when we confront with the intention to offer support. Let's make each other more and more right by bravely speaking about what is wrong.