The Right People

My family doesn’t love me. They would disagree and say they do. But they don’t appreciate that they really only enjoy the things about me that make them feel good. They don’t love many of the important parts of me that I’m most proud of. They like the way I play with all the kids, the yummy food I make, the messing about and silliness that goes on between us siblings, and my imagination for adventures. I like those aspects too, but there’s a lot more I feel is important like my determination to get to the bottom of problems between people, my rebellious spirit, emotional freedom, my straight talking, my brazen fearlessness, willingness to confront people, alignment with natural therapies, my spiritual wisdom, being a healer, believing in life after death, desiring growth in all my relationships. Many of these core aspects that define the way I have the most impact in the world are the parts of me that they refuse most strongly. That’s not love.

An outsider watching on would have said our family dynamic seemed pretty great. It took me a loooooong time to realise I felt much better when I wasn’t around them. There was nothing glaringly obvious that was wrong but somehow I just didn’t feel very good. Although I’d already moved away, I gradually decided not to go home at Christmas anymore. I passed on the annual family holiday week at the South Coast. And it started to dawn on me that of course it didn’t feel good to be around people who didn’t want me to be who I actually am. It feels alienating being with people who live completely counter to my desire for true authenticity. The friendliness between us kept me from registering the deeper truth of how much they actually rejected me. Every now and then there would be a proper fight with my dad about pharmaceuticals or if I pressed him to remain in a conversation instead of exiting with anger. There was some lingering tension with my brother that flared into screaming a handful of times but in the most part there was a long established camaraderie between us. Mostly the atmosphere was quite jovial and the discord was very subtle. With my sister there was an easy closeness but also key themes I clearly knew I had to avoid. I should never suggest that perhaps she take more loving care of her body to support her rigorous training as an endurance athlete. Don’t probe into her emotionally uncomfortable experiences. Never question her about the long term job she didn’t like. I can let those things slide in an acquaintance but it’s hard to look on silently year after year as my sister depletes her body and soul. I love her – I want her to discover the very best experience of herself. When she refuses that it becomes more sensible to step back.

For someone like me who wants to create a revolution, hanging out in a family with such a low threshold for change is not a good fit. It’s not healthy to invest myself where there’s such a disturbing misalignment of values. I want people around me who are as hungry for life and growth as I am.

But it also took me 8 long years with my best friend to finally realise once and for all, that she was also strongly opposed to me. She was really more enemy than friend. We shared a strong spiritual interest which kept me invested in our friendship but eventually, after a number of upsets and several separations between us, I finally saw the real truth of how she treated me and turned away for good. The more distance I had from her the more honest I was able to be with myself about her behaviour. It was a very unbalanced dynamic. I would very eagerly encourage and support her in whatever ways I could. She would rarely reciprocate. She had no genuine interest in my success or happiness. That was pretty difficult to come to terms with. How could I have willingly chosen such a bad friend for so long?

In recent years I’ve had the precious opportunity to spend a lot of time on my own. It’s really helped me to differentiate myself from the constraint of misalignment with the wrong people. With the space to expand and deepen, I’ve uncovered richer aspects of myself and an even deeper certainty in who I am. I’ve been able to fill out more of my true shape. I’ve granted myself full permission and freedom to be unapologetic in my choices, aspirations and expression. And now I’ve learned to be more discerning in my relationships with people. I still love just as generously as I ever did but now I’m more inclined to passionately favour my own wellbeing.

I came across some relationship advice that I adore: Run as fast as you can towards God and see who keeps up. I genuinely live by this. In my pursuit of God, I am also compelled to offer a great deal of assistance to all I encounter along the way but now I do better at allowing others to drop off when they reach their growth limit instead of compromising my pace to carry them. The most important thing is that I run my own race.